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아이유 (IU) – 팔레트 (Palette)

(5/6)
Things didn’t get better immediately. No matter where I fell asleep, my bed, my desk, or the floor, I ended up in that same damn place in my dreams, driving around in circles, waiting and waiting. I stayed at work until midnight and forced myself to leave the house on weekends because my own room, my own bed, was where I felt the most distant. I still drank myself to sleep, and much of my life seemed to have stayed the same. Except for one big difference: people.

I was never too close to people. Ever since I felt abandoned in middle school, a self-imposed misery, I promised myself to never rely on, or be a burden to, others. I only needed myself. I thought I could go through anything. But once I lost a hold of myself, I didn’t know where to turn. I didn’t want to drag people I cared about into my own problems, nor did I want to cry for attention from people who didn’t care about me. I needed people whom I could relate to, whom I knew who wouldn’t judge me for who I was, and that’s exactly what I got.

My new coworkers. Around the same age as me, most of them a bit older. We had a lot in common, from personalities to hobbies. I respected them, and they (hopefully) respected me back. I enjoyed talking to them, and found myself actually opening up a little. During one of our conversations, I mindlessly told one of my coworkers how I’ve been feeling lately, how I’ve lost the motivation to live on. She said “lul.” She fucking lul’ed. I laughed. How does that not scare you, when I’m basically saying I could kill myself tonight? “We’re all there,” she said. We’re all there. We talked and we talked, until I closed my eyes, no longer feeling alone in this world.

Turns out, life was no longer a race. We didn’t have to try and one-up each other anymore. We may all be in the same ocean, but we weren’t on the same boat. Instead, we were in our own little rafts, just cruising a long, just trying to get by. Who cares if some are ahead or if some are behind, we were all headed to different places anyways. Not a race, not a competition. Only yourself to worry about.

And that’s when I found the “the purpose of life”. Nothing. There’s no purpose to any of this. And as nihilistic as that may sound, the thought alone was so relieving. We don’t have to study, we don’t have to work, we don’t have to make money, heck, we don’t have to live. No one was there anymore to grade me every step of the way, telling me that I failed, pointing where to go. Who cares if someone got into Harvard, if someone works for Facebook, or if someone makes six figures? That wasn’t where I was headed anyways. I’ve been asking the wrong question all long. It’s not about the purpose, it’s about my purpose. What’s my purpose in my life?

At the age of 25, I finally started the search for myself, one gentle row at a time.

아이유 – 팔레트

이상하게도 요즘엔
그냥 쉬운 게 좋아
하긴 그래도 여전히
코린 음악은 좋더라
Hot pink보다
진한 보라색을 더 좋아해 Mmm
또 뭐더라 단추 있는
Pajamas, lipstick
좀 짓궂은 장난들

I like it I’m twenty five
날 좋아하는 거 알아
Oh I got this I’m truly fine
이제 조금 알 것 같아 날

긴 머리보다
반듯이 자른 단발이 좋아
하긴 그래도
좋은 날 부를 땐 참 예뻤더라
Oh 왜 그럴까
조금 촌스러운 걸 좋아해 Mmm
그림보다 빼곡히 채운
Palette, 일기, 잠들었던 시간들

I like it I’m twenty five
날 미워하는 거 알아
Oh I got this I’m truly fine
이제 조금 알 것 같아 날

어려서 모든 게 어려워
잔소리에, ‘매’ 서러워
꾸중만 듣던 철부지, ‘애’
겨우 스무고개 넘어
기쁨도 잠시 어머?!
아프니까 웬 청춘이래

지은아 오빠는 말이야
지금 막 서른인데,
나는 절대로 아니야
근데 막 어른이 돼
아직도 한참 멀었는데
너보다 다섯 살 밖에 안 먹었는데

스물 위, 서른 아래
‘고맘때’ Right there
애도 어른도 아닌 나이 때
그저 ‘나’일 때
가장 찬란하게 빛이 나
어둠이 드리워질 때도 겁내지 마

너무 아름다워서 꽃잎 활짝 펴서
언제나 사랑받는 아이 You
Palette, 일기, 잠들었던 시간들

I like it I’m twenty five
날 좋아하는 거 알아
Oh I got this (I got this) I’m truly fine
이제 조금 알 것 같아 날
(아직 할 말이 많아)

I like it (Like it) I’m twenty five (Oh)
날 미워하는 거 알아
Oh I got this (I got this) I’ve truly found
이제 조금 알 것 같아 날
IU – Palette

Isn’t it strange how
I now like whatever’s easier
Well I guess I still like
All of Corinne’s music the same
But now I’ll take dark purple
Over hot pink any day Mmm
What else, buttoned-up
Pajamas, lipstick
Pranks a tad too harsh

I like it I’m twenty five
I know you like me
Oh I got this I’m truly fine
I think I now know myself a little better

Now I like shorter cuts
Than that annoying long hair
Darn, I used to be so pretty
When I sang Good Day
Oh why is it that
I like styles a bit outdated Mmm
Instead of paintings, I like
Palette, diaries, the time I spend asleep

I like it I’m twenty five
I know you hate me
Oh I got this I’m truly fine
I think I now know myself a little better

When everything used to be hard
Every word and every tear
No time to lower that guard
You just turned twenty
But don’t get too happy
The youth is supposed to hurt

Hey Jieun, hear me out
I just turned thirty
But I’m still not ready
To call myself a grown-up
Now too late to back up
You know we’re only five years apart

As the two turns into a three
‘Around there’ right there
No longer a child, not yet an adult
When I’m just “me”
That’s when you shine the brigthest
So don’t be scared when it gets a bit dark

Always so beautiful, fully blossomed
You will always be loved, you
Palette, diaries, the time I spend asleep

I like it I’m twenty five
I know you like me
Oh I got this (I got this) I’m truly fine
I think I now know myself a little better
(I have so much left to say)

I like it (Like it) I’m twenty five (Oh)
I know you hate me
Oh I got this (I got this) I’ve truly found
I think I now know myself a little better

 

Michael
Michael Administrator

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3 Comments on "아이유 (IU) – 팔레트 (Palette)"

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Lin
Guest

It’s relieving that goals doesn’t mean you’re doing something great that people would appreciate and look upon. It’s just simply to make peace to your very own self. Live the life. Thank you. Can’t wait for the next post.

sandra
Guest
I really don’t quite understand why everyone around me is treating life as a race. They have to accomplish something great, something brilliant, extraordinary before death. But why can’t all of us just simply live? By breathing, we are already winning at life are we not? We have not given up by means of death as long as we are still breathing. Right? So, if you ever feel like life has no meaning, just remember that just by breathing, we are already living out the purpose of life- which is simply to live. And there is nothing wrong with that… Read more »
vvvvvv
Guest

I can’t believe I just found your blog. I think you have a talent for writing, it’s not easy to pique interest (with music recommendations too). I really like your posts. And i can somewhat relate to what you are feeling. I know failure is costly, everyone wants stability and be sure of their future. An exit is an entry somewhere. I don’t know what to say to help encourage because I’m struggling with life too, but I would like to say: You can do it Michael!!!!

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