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G-DRAGON – 무제 (無題) (Untitled, 2014)

(3/6)
I was tutoring on the side at the time. It wasn’t for the money; I simply wanted something that would keep me busy. While I’ve stopped tutoring now, one of my students from that time kind of stuck with me. His name was Andrew, and he was just starting third grade when I first met him. He was smart, carefree, and painfully lazy, but that wasn’t why he was so memorable. He looked up to me. He told me he wanted to be like me when he grew up. Me of all people, I thought to myself. It hurt how much I could see myself in him.

9 to 5, Monday through Friday, stuck in traffic, and stuck in traffic, the cycle continued. Summer passed, but not before drying up the last bit of motivation I had left. I didn’t have homework, I didn’t have exams, and I still didn’t have a goal. I blinked, and it was December. My friends who were still in school started going on vacation. One went to Japan, another to China. And there I was, in Fairfield, New Jersey, lying in my bed, waiting for the alarm to ring on the Monday after Christmas. How could a minute feel so long, but a whole five months so short? Wow, it’s already been five months since I started working, and it was time to get up for another day at work. 9 to 5, Monday through Friday, stuck in traffic, and stuck in traffic.

On New Year’s Day, as I was sitting alone in the living room, I came to accept that whatever I was waiting for to happen was never going to happen. No new semester, no new professors, no new classmates. The first Monday of the year was just another Monday… in fact, it was probably a worse than average Monday, having to listen to my manager crack cliche jokes on not having seen me for a whole year. This was it. This is what I’ve spent the past 23 years of my life for, to be sitting on this couch, looking at people in those pathetic 2016 glasses, hugging and kissing each other, as I sipped on whiskey a bit pricier than usual.

I used to lose sleep at night lost in my own plans for the future. Where I wanted to live, what I wanted to do, and who I wanted to be with. It all seemed so clear and easy. But now I stayed up at night worried that I’ll wake up to live another day. For someone who was so prideful to a point of arrogance, it was a hard pill to swallow. I was a failure in my own eyes and I couldn’t do anything about it. I started to drink more, exercise less, stayed up late playing video games, because those were the only things that kept the world from cutting deeper. Those were my esacpes. Needless to say, this unhealthy lifestyle quickly took its toll. I found myself getting jealous of everyone around me, especially those who seemed to be enjoying life, got unreasonably mad or annoyed at the slightest of things, and became pettily controlling of the little that I had left in my hands. I was negative and judgmental, bringing others down every chance I got because I couldn’t bring myself up. I barely got any sleep, and took pills to function, on some days too much that I puked through the night.

A role model, passed out on bathroom floor.

G-DRAGON – 무제 (無題)

나에게 돌아오기가
어렵고 힘든 걸 알아
이제 더는 상처받기가
두렵고 싫은 걸 알아
네가 떠나 버린 그날에도
모진 말로 널 울리고
뒤돌아 서서 후회해 미안해

제발 단 한 번이라도
너를 볼 수 있다면
내 모든 걸 다 잃어도 괜찮아
꿈에서라도 너를 만나
다시 사랑하기를
우리 이대로

너에게 용서받기 보다
죽는 게 더 쉬울지 몰라
이 노래를 불러보지만
내 진심이 닿을지 몰라
네가 행복하기를 바래
그 흔한 거짓말도 못하고
돌아오기만 기도해 미안해

제발 단 한 번이라도
너를 볼 수 있다면
내 모든 걸 다 잃어도 괜찮아
꿈에서라도 너를 만나
다시 사랑하기를
우리 이대로

이제는 끝이라는 마지막이라는
너의 그 맘을 난 믿을 수 없어
I can’t let go cause you never know
내겐 너 같은 너에겐 나 같은
그런 사랑은 두 번 다시는 없어
Nobody knows we always know

제발 단 한 번이라도
너를 볼 수 있다면
내 모든 걸 다 잃어도 괜찮아
꿈에서라도 너를 만나
다시 사랑하기를

지금 이 시간이 지나가고
다 잊을 수 있다면
그 기억도 행복했던 추억도
아니 다음 생에도 너를 만나
다시 사랑하기를
예전 그대로
G-DRAGON – Untitled, 2014

I know it’s hard
Coming back to me
I know how much you hate
Being hurt by me
Even until the day you left
I beat you down
Whispering sorry to your back

Please, if I could see you
Just once more
I would give up everything
Please, just one more dream
Where we can love again
The two of us

Death seems easier
Than asking for forgiveness
This song might no longer
Have meaning to you
I can’t even lie
And say I want you to be happy
I want you back, I’m sorry

Please, if I could see you
Just once more
I would give up everything
Please, just one more dream
Where we can love again
The two of us

Don’t say it’s the end
This can’t be the end
I can’t let go cause you never know
There won’t be another love
Like I had for you and you had for me
Nobody knows we always know

Please, if I could see you
Just once more
I would give up everything
Please, just one more dream
Where we can love again

If time passes us by
And we forget each other
Along with all our memories
Would you let me love you
The way I used to
In our next lifetime

 

Michael
Michael Administrator

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2 Comments on "G-DRAGON – 무제 (無題) (Untitled, 2014)"

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Dominika
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It’s the third post… I really hope, this is the lowest point of the story, and after this, there is going to be light and hope, answers and soloutions… because I am at the state of this right now. Feeling down and helpless, and it hurts to read someone going through all of this mess. Still remember the pills I took last “New Year”, hoping something gonna happen, or just ends there – but it didn’t. I just vomited it out. Right now, I’m just living from day to day, working and studying, feeling that all of this is meaningless…… Read more »
Areumi
Guest

I know how does it feels, when everyone arounds you achieving great things while you stucked with life and helpless. I was awake all night thinking about how ugly the world is, and kept judging my self that my effort was not good enough.
I hope you have a good day

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